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Anxiety has plagued my life for the last 6 years. I have seen 4 therapists, multiple life coaches, health coaches, natural doctors, traditional doctors, mentors and religious leaders. It really began In 2015 when I visited the hospital for a panic attack and was sent home with a clean bill of health when my brain tricked me into thinking I was going to die from a heart attack. I have walked out of multiple performances due to panic attacks that keep me from sharing my musical gifts. It has created hesitation in major meaningful life changes that I hold back on because the nasty little anxiety lizard on my shoulder keeps whispering lies to me saying that it will protect me to wait or to hold back or to “think this through first."

Many of the highlight events in my life for the last 6 years have a backstory of fighting back anxious thoughts to get myself to go to the event, meet with friends, do the interview, go up the elevator, pitch the idea, get on the plane, fill out the application, sign the contract, etc, etc.

I definitely have become better at this game (turning down the volume of daily anxiety from an 8 or 9 to about a 2 or 3) and have moved forward regardless of the monkey brain madness. Some hours are better than others and I haven’t had a debilitating panic attack in years. Recently it has raised its ugly head again in the form of health (or illness) anxiety. Because of the havoc that this has wreaked on my relationships and overall life, I am getting much more aggressive with it. I want to kill the nasty whispering lizard on my shoulder.

I believe social media exists for the purpose of true connection and not just showing the highlight reel, though I do believe it’s important to share milestones and celebrations! My highlight reel is pretty dang amazing (married to an amazing woman, own a beautiful home, director of marketing for amazing org, Instagram following, getting into a PhD program, digital entrepreneur, global travel, podcaster, etc.). The good stuff is just as much “real life” as the hard stuff.
I just know I’m not alone in this fight against the inner demons and I want to speak up. Anxiety is the #1 cause of disability globally and collectively costs employers billions each year and if the research is right, roughly 20% of you have some sort of anxiety disorder. I want to be part of the solution in real life with those of you who are in my reach.

Brené Brown says:
“Shame thrives on secrecy, silence, and judgment.
Shame can’t survive being spoken.”
I have hidden my experience with anxiety for years.
Why?
Shame.

I want to be seen as competent, not as weak and emotional. I have believed that to be socially acceptable, I can’t hold these roles while also experiencing anxiety. It’s not comfortable to show this side of yourself. I want to be seen as a man, a husband, a leader, a TEDx speaker coach, a director, a PhD candidate, a podcast host, an all-around dynamite guy. The truth is that I have been all of these things while fighting anxiety simultaneously.

No matter the source(s) of *your* trauma or anxiety, you are not alone. If you are the silent sufferer of any level of anxiety or panic, know that Andy Proctor, the guy with the amazing public highlight reel, has been there and is actually walking that path today.
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I am fighting and I’m not giving up and you shouldn’t give up either.
I’m going to talk more about this so that the 20% of you out there with silent anxiety know you’re not alone and the 100% of you who know someone who is struggling with this can maybe learn something that will improve your relationship with them.

I have never given up. When the anxiety is at its worst I repeat to myself a line from a poem by Dylan Thomas: “Rage, rage against the dying of the light."

Don’t let your light die. My light is not dead. Sometimes I do have to rage. I encourage you to rage against thoughts that tell you that you are not enough, that you don’t matter or that you are alone and no one gets it. You are worthy. You are worth it. You matter and you aren’t alone in this.

Anxiety and other mental health issues need to be normalized. Please keep fighting. Tell your secrets. Break your silence. Kill the shame. Not just on social media. Do it in real life too.

If you don’t plan and schedule your goals, they won’t happen. But if you do, they happen. This is a big lesson for 2019 for me. The things I planned and made time on my calendar for, actually happened. The intentions I set but never planned, didn’t happen. It was a great year!

Highs and Accomplishments of 2019:

• The thing I’m most proud of is probably that I started in January and learned to play the cello from scratch. I definitely have a little music background (played the clarinet from 7th to 9th grade and sang in A Capella groups off and on over the last 18 years), but the cello is a complex instrument so I had to refresh my knowledge of music altogether, learn all kinds of new skills with my hands and body and it was totally worth it. I loved it. There were a lot of days where I thought that I was horrible and that it wasn’t worth it. But that’s normal when learning something new. Now I can play a lot of music that I love and I am getting better every time I pick up the instrument.
• Grandma Martha’s 100th birthday
• I significantly decreased my anxiety levels
• Nearly weekly Podcast published where I interviewed amazing people 23 interviews published
• Took a leap from Nu Skin steady job into steady but more aligned job with Pando
• Bought a house for the first time
• Finding a great renter for our basement apt
• I got an electric longboard and scooter working with a cool e-board startup
• Getting my Certificate in Applied Positive Psychology
• I had more moments where I was connected to my inner wisdom
• I read more books than I ever have in one year (see list)
• Engaging in therapy and a coaching to move closer to my best self

Specific Goals set and reached

• Learn to play cello
• Buy a house
• improve my relationship with food
• Finish the CAPP program

Best memories and most memorable moments

• Looking for houses with Stacie and dreaming of a new life
• 1000 Words with Ashley, Stuart and Mike.
• Presenting to the North Star and being surprised at a standing room only
• CAPP Graduation
• Being a part of TEDxBYU and coaching amazing TEDx speakers like Amy Blankson and Brian Kershisnik
• Skiing with my shirt off
• Signing to buy my first house
• Deciding on Vineyard (at Vineyard Beach)
• Walking into Disneyland - full circle
• Going up the elevator in Riyadh Saudi Arabia
• The Saudi Arabia trip
• TEDx Salt Lake City was amazing
• Harry Potter party!!!!
• Going to Arizona and hiking and exploring
• Christmas dinner with the Sharon Gurr bunch at Lucas and Jessica’s new house
• Singing at Grandma’s funeral.
• Doing the 360 video of grandma’s house
• Scooter and longboard rides to the lake with Em, Alex and Cassidy, Nicole and Graham, Michaela, Jeff Harry, Julie and Bryson
• Free hugs on kindagious quest
• Flying kites and blowing bubbles with Stacie at Rock Canyon park and running like a 10 year old to get it to fly

Above all the accomplishments, the most prized are the moments I shared with friends, coworkers and family. Here is a list of people I felt the closest to and when (I know I’m forgetting a lot here):

• Stacie during CAPP relationships weekend, at Disneyland, hanging out with grandma, on all our dates, spending time with her family, Christmas with Gma and Gpa K, music together, all the little moments each day that add up.
• The Unicks during our hike and drive through AF canyon and all our spontaneous game nights.
• Adam Rallison making Harry Potter signs, celebrating our friendiversary, watching movies and just chatting.
• Josh Searle at the friends day for CAPP and at the airport in LA talking about marriage.
• Jana Spangler talking about my faith.
• Justin Allen when we went to Pando together and shared our stories with each other.
• CAPP friends (Jenna, Jeff, Jenn Jines, Juan Carlos, Louis, Roxanne, Lani)
• Stuart when taking about life at his apartment.
• Briana Johnson in my interview and at breakfast.
• Lunch with Amy and Bobo Blankson and Andrew Webb at Taste.
• Bryan skiing and having dinners.
• Roxanne and Evan at Disneyland.
• Interviewing Scott Porter, Richard Eyre, Baya Voce, Doug Cartwright, Em Capito, Nir Eyal, Rose Stanek, Louis Alloro, Bob Dalton, Craig Case, Don Rheem, Lori Lee, Allie Gardner, Jeff Harry, Sam Inch, Seth Adam Smith, Kylie Chen, Briana Johnson, William Pullen.
• Seth Adam Smith in his garage after midnight.
• Playing cello with Grant on guitar.
• Playing cello with my Mom on guitar.
• Playing cello for Grandma on her 100th birthday
• Crying with Tina and Truman when they were moving out
• Hanging out with Bethany and Kylee at Vineyard fair
• Picnic with Alex and Cassidy in Sundance.
• Grandma dinners and playing cello.
• Practice with cello buddies in the orchestra.
• 4th is July with Lucas and Jessica in the new house
• Hanging out with Julie and Bryson during their visit (kayaking and escape room).
• Alicia and Chris dinner and games, tacos and movie night
• Ryan Vasso visit to Nu skin
• Company Christmas party at kiln and Star Wars
• Chats and men's groups with Alan Downing
• Goodbye lunch with Nu Skin social team (Thanks Kathy!)

Here is the list of books I “read” in 2019:
I tried a different way to read Books in 2019. I used an app that summarizes books for you so I could read more and decide which ones to read in full. I realized at the end of 2018 that I purchased a lot of books and only read the chapters I’m most interested in. So I wanted to try this. I really liked it. I got through a lot more content and it was fulfilling to be familiar with so many great titles that I can now choose from to read in full.

• Indistractable
• Made to stick
• The dragonfly effect
• How to win friends and influence people
• The 5 am club
• Just listen
• Digital minimalism
• Designing your life
• Happy money
• The war of art
• Tools of Titans
• The art of happiness
• The blue zones
• How will you measure your life
• Contagious
• Resisting happiness
• The E-Myth Revisited
• The subtle art of not giving a F
• The science of getting rich
• Eat that frog
• The upside of your dark side
• Outer order, inner calm
• Solve for happy
• The One thing
• Flourish
• The wandering mind
• The power of meaning
• Happiness of Pursuit
• Man’s search for meaning
• The power of moments
• Atomic habits
• The 12 week year
• The life changing magic of tidying up
• Building a story brand
• Thinking fast and slow
• Cosmos
• 7 Habits
• Influencer
• Buddha’s brain
• Happiness by design
• As a man thinketh
• Lost connections
• Social intelligence
• The speed of trust
• The success principles
• Peak
• Start with why
• Give and take
• Abundance
• Beyond culture
• Progress
• Outliers
• Blink
• Antifragile
• Two awesome hours
• Should we eat meat?
• Ungifted: intelligence redefined
• When
• I will teach you to be rich
• Finding your element
• Brief answers to big questions
• The element
• Tribe
• The sleep revolution
• The happiness track
• Algorithms to live by
• The happiness project (Gretchen Rubin)
• Maybe you should talk to someone (Lori Gottlieb)
• Radical Candor (Kim Scott)
• The Power of Starting Something Stupid (Richie Norton)
• Elderhood (Louise Aronson)
• Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work (Gottman)
• 13 Things Mentally Strong People Don’t do (Amy Morin)
• The Robots are Coming! (Andres Oppenheimer)
• Leadership and Self Deception (Arbinger Institute)
• The Power of Now. (Eckhart Tolle)
• 30 Ways to Reboot your body (Ben Greenfield)
• The Hidden Life of Trees (Peter Wohlleben)
• The Magic of Thinking Big (David Schwartz)
• Never Eat Alone (Keith Ferrazzi)
• Find Your WHY (Simon Sinek)
• Spark

Biggest Lessons Learned or Reminders

• Goals you schedule (and value) happen.
• Setting intentions is powerful (I set an intention to create a bridge into positive psychology as a career and the door opened in a matter of days)
• Reading and applying great books can lead to a better life (more confidence, better health, improved relationships), but reading books alone is not life changing.
• Navigating transitions well is one of the most important things one can learn to do well in life because transition is constant.

Last night was truly surreal. It's something I have wanted to do for years. Launch flaming lanterns into space with hopes and dreams together with someone I love.

So last night Stacie and I did that. There was a moment when there were thousands of lanterns in the sky and Stacie was holding hers, waiting for the hot air to lift. I had the camera and was laying on the gravel floor looking up at her. It was perfect. The lanterns behind her looked like stars but were brighter and Stacie was looking out with serenity and awe on her face. It was the look of peace and contentment with life. There is something so satisfying knowing that you were at least a small part of this kind of moment for someone you love so deeply. Especially since she has been through such confusing and heart wrenching things in the last few years. On my lantern, I wrote three things:

1. I love Stacie.
2. Don't give up.
3. Dreams do come true

I wanted to share this because in the last 6 years we have both been through divorce, mental illness, spiritual / faith crises, the death of someone close to us, major financial difficulty, and physical trials. Things are getting much better in our life and the more time passes the more we have been healing and recovering from these things. During the trials, you don't feel like you can do it. During the darkness, it seems like there is too much to handle. But if you just keep going, you do get through it and you can make moments of real happiness like this come to life. Life can be stressful, confusing, dark and painful. But I want to acknowledge the fact that sometimes things do work out, sometimes you marry your best friend, sometimes you hit all green lights, sometimes you see rainbows during the downpour, sometimes you find the perfect job, sometimes you sing with perfect pitch, and sometimes you have moments like this where you experience all ten positive emotions at once. These moments are SO worth working for. As a student of positive psychology, I study human happiness, and last night I got to live it.

When talking about happiness a lot of people refer to the "cup half full" analogy. I agree with this (it's called explanatory style in the world of positive psychology) and I also would like to add to it. In addition to the story we are telling ourselves about the fullness or emptiness of the cup, we can also experience things in life that increase the volume of the cup to be filled. After we get better at explaining our life to ourselves in a more positive way, we can also increase our potential to experience happiness. But it comes with a price: pain and suffering.

I feel uncomfortable recommending pain and suffering, but happiness just wouldn't be as powerful without it. It's like we all have a cup to fill with happiness and when we either stumble on happiness or work to make happiness happen, we fill the cup. Then when we go through the gauntlet of life, the volume of our cup just gets bigger. And our happiness cup is filled once again, but when the cup to be filled increases in volume, the happiness we experience is much more substantial, and our happiness has increased by the mere fact that our ability to receive it has doubled or tripled in volume.

I'm okay with my cup the way it is, but I don't think that's the way God wants me to stay. He doesn't just want to fill my cup, He wants to make my cup huge, and then fill it. Does God cause the suffering and pain? I don't think He causes it. Does He allow us to go through it? I think so. What do you think?

For the last year-and-a-half, I have been exploring a new world. I have always been a generally happy and optimistic person, but I dove into the world of positive psychology and have found so many pearls that I decided to dedicate my life to the study and dissemination of the principles of human flourishing.  

I studied social psychology at Brigham Young University and was fascinated by so many things about human behavior and personality, but I didn't follow that path right after graduation. For a while I have been dabbling in different jobs and have landed myself in the world of internet entrepreneurship. I manage a few online businesses and work from anywhere that has WIFI (mostly my home office). My goal this year is to maintain these businesses while launching an online business (a blog, YouTube channel, Periscope, Instagram, podcast, etc.) that will teach people research-backed ways to increase their levels of happiness and flourishing. Millions of dollars of research funding has gone into thousands of studies on the science of human happiness, but the average academic journal article is read by only seven people. Who wants to go read the twenty pages of collected data of some university professor written in academic jargon? Apparently seven people do, but the vast majority of mainstream society spend their time in social media channels, watching videos and reading very short, and easily digestible content. My goal is to convert the jargon of academia into small snippets of sharable content in a way that is enjoyable for the average information consumer. I have experimented with this in a small way already using a new live-streaming app called Periscope. 

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Periscope gives you some metrics about your broadcasts and from what I have seen, thousands of people have watch hundreds of hours of me talking about positive psychology. The point of sharing this is that people want to be happy. 
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 In early 2015 I went to the emergency room because I thought I was having a heart attack. The ER doc sent me home because he said I was fine. It was terrifying to feel like was dying when in fact I wasn't. For months after this happened, I went from doctor to doctor trying to figure out what the deal was. I went through a lot of tests and found a few things that needed to be tweaked a bit (like my microbiome), but no signs of anything else wrong with me. It was so frustrating to me because I felt the physical symptoms happening. My heart rate went up to 110 while laying down, I had tingling feelings all over my body, I would wake up trembling or convulsing, I had pain in my legs, arms and chest, weird rashes popped up on my skin and many other unexplainable physiological events. I felt like my body was revolting against me. I tried all kinds of things from different doctors, but nothing really made an impact. Then I read a book called When Panic Attacks, by David Burns, MD. I realized that these physical symptoms could actually be caused by panic disorder. I read stories of people who experienced exactly the same symptoms as me and who overcame it without medication. He talked about something called the Hidden Emotion theory. Long story short, I started diving into my emotions and my unspoken desires and concerns. I also started looking more into one very powerful aspect of positive psychology: mindfulness. I started meditating and being more mindful. When I started to do this, my body started to work with me instead of against me and I was a new man. Positive psychology has changed my life. It has allowed me to live again and now I desire to share this with as many people who want to increase their happiness. 

I have skipped a lot of details, but I mainly wanted to post about my enthusiasm about positive psychology because it has changed my life in a very real way. In 2015, I wrote a book about discovering and living your unique life mission. When you LIVE YOUR MISSION, it makes you healthier, happier, and the world is a better place because you exist. The world is about to become a better place because I exist. Here is my book (click it to buy):

Stay tuned for details on the positive psychology channel. It's coming soon! Don't have panic attacks, go discover your unique life mission and then live that mission.  

The last two weeks I have been singing in a production called Lamb of God, by composer Rob Gardner, which portrays the life and mission of Jesus Christ. This is my third year participating in it and it is my new favorite way to celebrate Easter. 

One of the pieces of this masterful orchestration is entitled "Gethsemane." 

As I have performed this song, the Spirit has given me a glimpse of the depth of what went on in Gethsemane. A glimpse I have never had, even when I lived in Jerusalem and went to this garden many times a week. Even when I had a very sacred physical experience in Gethsemane, there was no music to make what I felt there come to life. 

Now there is. 

There are impressive soloists representing Peter, John, Thomas, Judas, Mary Mother of Jesus, Mary Magdalene, Pilate, and a few others. But the composer chose not to have a soloist represent the Savior. He chose a cello. Here is a low quality video of what this song sounds like without the choir:

There is a moment in this song after the cello personifies the expressions of the Savior during the atonement where the choir takes over and starts to sing the words of the Savior as He pleads that the bitter cup be taken from him. A moment when I cannot let myself think about the meaning of what we are portraying, or I lose my composure and with it my ability to perform. It is a sacred, powerful and intense moment. 

The Abba moment.  

The orchestra and choir mesh to produce an indelible expression of music that portrays the infinite suffering. Suffering of a God, made human, for this very moment. The music starts in piano (very soft) and grows over about ten measures at which point the orchestra is nearly snapping their strings and the choir is all but screaming. 

Every time this moment happens, I look at the director who is flexing virtually every muscle in his body as he rips this sound from the collective soul of the choir and orchestra. 

There isn't a time that I have performed this where I haven't been impressed by the director's excruciating expression, even during rehearsal. It looks as if he is in deep, but necessary pain. After the Abba cry, there is absolute silence. Everyone feels it. It pierces every soul in the audience, choir and orchestra to the center. And though they may not fully comprehend what just happened or the Aramaic words, the central self of each individual knows that what just happened is something of profound significance. Here are the words in the language Jesus would have spoken:

ABBA, AVI, EHVAR MANEE KASAH HANAH ------- Father, take away from me this cup
ALA LO TSAVANI, ANT TSAVANACH ------- But not my will, Thy will
O ABBA! ------- O Father!

I know what happened in Gethsemane was real and it was unimaginably difficult. To the point where a God cried out for help from his Daddy. He cried louder than any combined choir and orchestra. He called out to His Abba, and to your Abba. It was a cry of complete desperation because though He was the literal Son of the literal God, there were inklings of mortal humanity within Him and this atonement caused Him to become awestruck. 

Even amidst this Abba cry and the awful and amazing expiation of the sins of every living soul in the universe, He was the Director. 

The Director of Gethsemane. 

At any moment, Jesus of Nazareth could have put the baton down and stopped the awful and infinite music of the wrath of the atonement. He could have chosen not to go through with it. But He didn't. He kept the music going to the bitter end. 

Glory be to the Father and thanks be to God that He partook and finished His preparations to all of us. I know that He is, like He said, "the greatest of all". How grateful I am that Jesus is the Christ, the certainty of my uncertainty, the completion of my incompletion, the finisher of my faith, the Director of Gethsemane. 

Twenty Fourteen was an amazing year. As always, we had lots of fun together. We are blessed to be able to work from home (or anywhere with internet) managing our blogs and an online retail store. Because of this, we love to travel and really enjoy going on road trips. Our trips this year included two trips to California (one for Andy’s 30th birthday and one to run the SoCal Ragnar Relay), one to Las Vegas and St George for Stacie’s birthday, one to the Oregon and Washington coast to be inspired and revisit some of Stacie’s childhood stomping grounds, an all-expense paid cruise to the Bahamas with Q Sciences and one last trip where we brought all our things with us from our apartment in Pleasant Grove to our house in Provo. We celebrated our one-year anniversary and took a picture of us holding a picture from our wedding day (which we will repeat every anniversary). We received our “official” wedding rings from our Christian friend in Jerusalem who custom made them with his own hands. We celebrated the lives and passing of Uncle Kenny Wigg and Grandma Rose Gurr. God be with you till we meet again. We welcomed two new members to our family who eat a lot of millet seed, and know how to fly - we got some parakeets. :) We launched ldsmissionaries.com as a resource for LDS missionaries and their families that now has a little over half a million likes on Facebook. Stacie made great strides in academics and health, completing an academic renewal at Weber State University and overcoming a dairy allergy. Andy started his application to a master program in Pennsylvania, was included in a video with David Archuleta and Skyped with Leonard Nimoy (Spock from Star Trek) at ComicCon SLC, asking him: “How does one live long and prosper in real life?” Andy finished a Book of Mormon project he started seven years ago, writing his thoughts and revelations about every single chapter so that posterity would never wonder what he thought about each chapter and verse. We have done a lot, but we have also become better together. We have learned more patience and better communication, deepened our trust in God, come to value our health more, and found more meaning in being present and enjoying each moment of each day with the people who matter most to us. We were inspired by and grateful for any and all interaction we enjoyed with you, the people we love. Many of you reached out and have been the answer to our prayers. We love you, and we know that 2015 will be the best year of our life! We celebrate the year that is past and welcome in the new with open hearts and hope in Jesus Christ, the Great High Priest of good things to come. God be with you as you work to fulfill the dreams of your heart and be your best and highest selves in 2015.


With love,


Andy and Stacie Proctor  

I just hosted an event on Facebook where I invited people to leave an authentic and honest review of the Book of Mormon on amazon.com, the largest bookstore on the planet. There are millions of people who have read the book and who could leave an honest review of it on amazon, but who just don't know that this would be a good thing to do. I wanted to invite people to do it during cyber week when so many people are doing their Christmas shopping on amazon already. So I started an event to see if people would respond and leave an honest and authentic review of their experience with The Book of Mormon. Here are the results from the week:

10,756 people invited
2202 clicks to amazon (bitly)
473 "went"
33 "maybe"
Total number of new reviews 386

5 Star - 275 
4 Star - 5
3 Star - 1
2 Star - 12
1 Star - 92

Overall it was a success other than the voting up of the negative reviews. I'll focus efforts next on inviting people to go and vote (honestly) on the reviews that were helpful for them. And I will encourage others to share their review with their friends and family who (if they feel like it was helpful) can indicate that it was a helpful review of the book. 
 
But for now I'll review some interesting things I learned from this.

There are people who were very opposed to this type of thing. Members as well as non-members. Members didn't understand the intent of the event. I just wanted to help more people who had actually read the Book of Mormon to record their experience in a place where other people can read it. In the past, I have been invited to write my experience with the book in the front of the Book of Mormon before giving it to someone. This is almost the same thing in my mind. However there were some people, even members, who thought that I was just trying to cheat the system and that this was a bad representation of the Church. I still disagree with this. Non-members were trolling and were, as always, vituperative and abusive to almost every person who left a positive comment on the event page. Looking backward, I wish there was a way to have more control over who can come and who can't. 

I see nothing wrong with posting a suggestion to members of the church who have read the Book of Mormon to post an authentic review of what they thought. There are two reasons why I think this is NOT a breech of the amazon terms of service. There were at least 3 people who said we shouldn't be doing this because it was a breech in the TOS of amazon and that we should not try to promote the church this way (2 were active members as far as I know). Here is why I don't agree with them.

1. Amazon allows amazon users who have not purchased their products directly from amazon, to leave a review of the product. They also have a tag of the review that says "Amazon Verified Purchase" meaning that the amazon user actually purchased the product from amazon.com. If a review is not marked Amazon Verified Purchase, it doesn't mean that the reviewer has no experience with the product - it just means that we couldn't verify that it had been purchased at Amazon. They may have purchased the item elsewhere or had some other interaction with it. You can find the details here: http://www.amazon.com/gp/community-help/amazon-verified-purchase

2. Those who said that we should not be leaving reviews of this copy because it is a purchasable copy and we shouldn't be reviewing a book that we haven't purchased should also be aware of the fact that the exact same reviews are carried over and used for a totally different version of the book that is free. Here is the link to that version:

http://amzn.to/1G5bmH2
And
http://amzn.to/1vCgorx

Anyone can "purchase" this version for free as a kindle download and be a "verified" purchase. The fact is that there are 3 versions with the same reviews attached to them.

In addition to this, I personally feel that it is perfectly honest to leave an honest and authentic review of a book that you have read that is the EXACT same text as the version that is being reviewed. For example, C.S. Lewis wrote an amazing book called Mere Christianity. There are at least 3 different versions of this exact text on amazon.com. I purchased the book years ago in person at Borders Books (when it was still in business). Is my amazon review of this amazing book any less helpful for someone who is buying (or downloading for free a kindle version) of the exact same book with the exact same text? Mere Christianity changed my life, affected my view of Christian philosophy and gave me a way to look at my faith from a more intellectual point of view. And I believe that everyone who shops on amazon should know about this. I could say the same of 10 other books that have affected me and been helpful - that I did NOT purchase on amazon. I'm just adding this part because I think it is ridiculous that members argue against the fact that we should not be leaving reviews of the Book of Mormon on amazon. It is a book that has changed our life and can change the lives of millions of people for the better. Should we not encourage those who have read the book to leave their thoughts on a platform that has been built to give people a place to leave their honest opinion and authentic review of a book that the did NOT purchase on amazon?

As always, I'm still willing to be made aware of my flaws. From the viewpoint of the letter of the law, I may have just suggested people brake the terms of service of amazon.com. Though those who claim it was a breech in the TOS of amazon were also just saying their subjective interpretation of the TOS. If their subjective opinion is correct, then I would argue that their terms of service are limited and don't allow people who have genuinely read (and have an honest opinion about) a book, to help others who are honest seekers of truth, to know what those who HAVE read the exact same text, know about the book. If this is the case, I repent and will never do this again. AND I boldly declare to the world that amazon.com, the largest bookseller on earth, has a flawed system of reviewing the very products which they base their business on. If I can't leave a genuine review of something that I didn't purchase on amazon, then why is there a way to do it? Again, please see the link I posted above from amazon explaining why they let people leave reviews of products that they have not purchased on amazon. It was not a breech in their TOS. 

In addition to this, if people who have not read the book are leaving fallacious and vituperative reviews of the book claiming that it is "A Great Book if you Want to Improve Your Sex Life" then I feel that this should be snuffed out by reviews from people who HAVE read the book and have an authentic and honest opinion of its contents.

Overall, I was strengthened as I wrote my honest opinion and authentic review of The Book of Mormon on the amazon page for the book, (which for the record, I did "purchase"). I was also very inspired by the other people who reached out to help me in this effort. Aaron Abbott and Pam Skaggs Peebles were so helpful. I have made a new friend in Aaron. I'm grateful that other people have such a strong conviction of the truth in the Book of Mormon that they are able to spend their time and effort (and resist the opposition that comes directly at you when you are the "host" of an event like this). In the words of another who has put himself on the line to defend the Book of Mormon online (Ben Arkell): "You are 10 minutes away from a self-induced anxiety attack." LOL. It's true. When people are questioning your integrity and calling you names and trying to make you believe you are a monster or whatever else they throw at you.

The Book of Mormon is true, on and off of amazon.com.

And I will not stop supporting it and encouraging others to do the same.  

And even if this made no difference to anyone who is considering downloading a free copy (or purchasing) the Book of Mormon, it inspired almost 300 members to think what they honestly feel about the Book of Mormon and record it online. This I think is a great success. To write your testimony and leave your authentic review of the Book of Mormon, please click here: http://amzn.to/1unfBpS

I just got another hate letter on my blog. This time it was vituperative. 

It hasn't happened a lot, but it's happening more often these days. I have gotten other comments from people who disagree with the way I write and think, who correct my grammar, who accuse me of things I never did or of being something that I am not. And today a man telling me that I am spreading false religion, fantasy - that I am a blasphemer - "pure blasphemy based on doctrines from the very pit of hell."   

That got me going a bit. 

I often feel very vulnerable as a blogger. You have to be vulnerable. You are putting yourself out there. You let people peek in and see what you have inside your heart and your mind. Not only are you expressing your inner thoughts, hopes, aspirations, beliefs and desires, but you are allowing other people to engage in conversation about those things. It requires a LOT of trust. And I don't think all the people out there realize how much trust this takes to be so vulnerable. Yes, I can moderate comments that come to me or contact form submissions so that the people don't post horrible things publicly on my blog. But it still comes to me. And sometimes people don't just unknowingly hurt you with words, they try to hurt you with words.

So what do you do? 

Be Brave. 

How can you be brave when you are the backlash of somebody's lack of love?

It is hard not to lash back. I think we should say the truth. But I also think that true bravery isn't just saying what you want to say back in the face of someone who attacks you. Christ was truly brave when He said nothing back to those who would not understand. And most haters, attackers, abusers and trolls will not understand. Being brave with these people means not responding. It will only tear you down to respond. You will waste your time and the emotional capital that you could use to do more good. Lashing back at them will only make you feel bad about yourself which will then deteriorate true and lasting bravery. So yes, say the truth, but with people who won't understand, just hold your peace. Also:

1. Speak Truth - but not always back to them. 
"Defend your beliefs with courtesy and with compassion, but defend them." (Jeffrey R. Holland) Seek the Spirit as you pick your battles. Some battles are pointless and shouldn't be started. Sometimes you say the truth you want to say to the person who hates you, and sometimes you say the truth outloud, but only to yourself or a supporting friend, but make sure you remember to speak truth. 
2. Remember your foundation in Christ
"What would Jesus do? will not always bring a popular response." Remember that He is your Rock and your Redeemer and when you speak truth, you stand with Him. No matter what the haters say, if you stick to truth. He will help you and stand with you and be in your midst as you defend Him and the truth He has revealed. 
3. Remember your divine Identity
Don't forget where you came from or where you are going. You are a child of God. Don't ever forget this and what this truth comes with. 
4. Remember that even though God can get angry, He is not an angry God. 
People may make threats and tell you that God will strike you down and your judgement will be just. Remember that God is loving. He is love personified. He is not a hater. And remember that the people who hate you do not come from God, but are inspired by a different source. "That which doth not edify is not of God, and is darkness." (D&C 50:24). 
5. Surround yourself with people who really know who you are. 
This one really has helped me. The person who hates you, doesn't really know you. They haven't sat down and eaten food with you or gone to a service project with you or walked with you on your mission or struggled to study Spanish with you or sung with you in church or gone on a road trip with you. They just attack. Find people who know you. Spend time with them. They will help you remember who you are. Especially find the ones who will point you back to Christ. 
6. Listen to happy music. 
This one seriously helps! These attacks can bring a lot of negative emotion. And though you can't always control your emotion, you CAN control your thoughts (which can bring different emotions). Happy music can help put good thoughts in your mind to replace the negative feelings with positive. 
7. Dance it off. 
Pair the happy music with wiggling your body and it will solidify the positive emotions. There is science behind it. Pairing an emotional thought with a physiological motion is powerful. 
8. Smile, and laugh at something silly.
Just smile. And if you need help with this click here to look at some hilarious animals.
9. Forgive them for they know not what they do. 
Forgiving people heals you. If they knew the truth and if they knew you, they wouldn't do those things. They need love. Forgive them. Remember though that forgiving them doesn't mean condoning their attacks. Block emails, report abuse, get them out of your hair. But have compassion for people who don't have a clear picture and forgive them. It will help you. 
10. Keep Sharing Truth
Don't stop sharing truth. Keep blogging. One of my friends who has done a lot of good told me "when you start getting hate mail, you know you are doing something right." I agree. People will pop up when you share truth and we must KEEP sharing truth. The internet is the rooftop that we are to shout the truth from. It is the platform that will reach more people more quickly than any other method out there. Don't stop blogging and sharing the truth you know through the internet. 

We all could waste a LOT of time trying to explain to people what they don't understand. But when we know that they won't understand, just hold your peace like Jesus. The Jews thought they were doing the right thing when they put "a blasphemer" to death. Did they understand? I could try to make people see what I see. In the end, it won't work. Until Jesus comes again and the playing fields are leveled, there will ALWAYS be someone who does not see clearly. I don't condemn them. I don't think God does either. Someday there will be a great awakening and all will know the truth. 

But until then, just Be Brave. 

I had my first glimpse of God my senior year of high school. 

It all began after my seminary teacher promised me that my life would change if I read the Book of Mormon everyday. She promised me that if I did, my life would change and that I would know that the changes came because of God's power. I had just moved from Utah to Virginia. I had no friends, my grades were bad, no girls liked me (in my mind), and what I wanted more than anything was to break an 18-year-standing 300 meter hurdle record. I then started reading. Every single day.

I kind of forgot about the promise made by my seminary teacher. Partially because my mom was my teacher (and I a senior in HS). And partially because I just started a new habit. It wasn't until one day while driving home from a track meet in Alexandria, Virginia. During that drive from Alexandria to my home in Fairfax, it all clicked. 

My parents usually came to the track meets and my dad always brought his amazing telephoto zoom lens and his SLR (FILM) camera. But this meet, no one was there from my family. It wasn't even a special meet. 

I had been trying to break a high school record that hadn't been touched for 18 years. It seemed impossible and that made me want it even more. I trained and trained. I bruised my left knee more than anything has ever been bruised on my body. I fell from exhaustion during the last few hurdles a LOT. I even shattered a hurdle once because I kicked it down so hard trying not to fall. I was always SO close to getting the time. 

Then one day, I finally broke the record. 

I prayed in the starting blocks and I dedicated the race to God. I always remember that race. I remember thinking that it was good Karma for Mike Imoh (the record breaking running back from our football team) was holding my blocks. I remember him saying "This is your race Proctor." Everything about that race was perfect. The start, the pace, the form, the ending boost, the finish. Everything. It was perfect. And those who I thought were my biggest fans weren't watching. One of my coaches was even gone that day. It was like a big build up to this day and then no one was watching. 

No one but God. 

When the announcer called out "Proctor for the win!" there was no crowd cheering me on, my coach was gone, and my parents weren't there. But I'm glad because that was the first time I realized that my biggest Fan was there. I remember feeling alone and that in this one moment when everyone should have been watching, I thought to myself, "this is ironic, no one was here." And as soon as I had this thought, I heard the words: "I've been watching the whole time." 

This thought began after the race and then as I drove home alone from the meet, I had my first glimpse of the love that God has for me. I realized that everything was different in my life. My grades had improved, I had great friends, girls liked me, and I had broken the hurdle record. In that moment, I saw God. I saw His hand in my life. Over the past few months, He had been blessing me in every aspect of my life. The Book of Mormon promise had come true and my life had changed. But it took me breaking the record with no other audience to realize that among all the people who I thought cared, God was ALWAYS my biggest fan. 

This was the beginning. 

This is a really interesting TED talk about our ability to manufacture happiness no matter our circumstance or decision. Dan Gilbert says we can create the same positive emotions whether we are going on a trip to Disneyland or having a colonoscopy. 

If we can manufacture positive emotions about anything we choose, you could argue that no decision matters. No decision will make us happier (or potentially allow us to manufacture more positive emotions) than any other. 

Two example goals requiring decisions: 

1. Give a cool TED talk someday after becoming a professor who is super cool and respected. 
2. Working at a call center job and never "progress" to any profession, but always make ends meet. 

What he says is that our brain is capable of deciding to be happy with the call center job, especially if the call center becomes the only option you will ever have. Your brain is capable of manufacturing the exact same positive emotion as you would have had from being a professor who gave a cool TED talk. 

If we can manufacture the same positive emotion by choosing either pathway, the question becomes: Why would anyone choose a more difficult pathway? With the knowledge that happiness can be equally felt, it seems to demotivate anyone from striving for a more stress-filled life while they could just choose to be satisfied with their call center job. 

Well, why don't we just connect drinking fountains directly to urinals? The liquid will get there eventually won't it? I believe that there is something to be said about the process. Yes, it is good to know that gratitude (manufacturing our own positive emotions) in any situation is possible. This will help when there are circumstances beyond our control. However, I believe that the strength or stamina that is gained by the individual who "shoots for the moon" is is well worth the stress. We become something greater than what we were when we choose to stretch ourselves. I think that this is a part of our human makeup. 

We are programmed to want something more because the process of achieving that greater self produces a greater self, whether or not the achieved self is what was imagined. We should strive for our ideal self regardless of happiness.